Im hard of hearing and i really hate myself do other hard of hearing people feel that way?

i have so much self hatred. i never accepted it i cant im 6 years old. i speak idont use sign langauge i know how to sign but i dont use it. i think it looks retarded. i punish myself each time i mishear someone. i feel so stupid. im embarssed everytime i meet people its humilating to be a person wth a disablity . i was raped at 20 and proably the first person that was glad it happened to the retard that i am. i feel like i want to die and for my family not to even have a funural. i have fanastys of people murdering me cutting me up. i wish i had cancer i dont want to be this fugly deaf idoit. i attempted sucide about more than 40 times as a teenager took full bottle fill of prescrition medication. only thing sadly happened was sezuire pass out wake up. and still not dead. i cant stand anything about me. when i was younger and teased in school i didnt report the kids like most disabled kids do. i went up to them i said you are right i am a idoit i allowed those kids to hurt me cause they werent doing anything wrong that i wasnt. i have emphysema cause i was born premature lost half lung as a baby i got emphysema at 19 before start smoking at 21 i cough all the time i think i may besecond stage now i really want to die. i weigh 78 im 5'3 i have a very low appiette i get angry i dont eat. i have emotional food advoiance disorder as well. i was wondering how much longer is your life span with emphysema that you cough every 30 seconds if i smoke entire 2 entire packs a day. i do smoke alot! or since i weigh 78 how low could i fast and starve to what weight would 100 percent kill you? like can anyone live at 5'3 30 pounds? please do not ask me to pray to god. i was baptized but i have refused him i dont want to go to heaven i wantto go to hell. because i dont want to live forever. god made me i dont like i actually hate what he made me. may be perfect in his image a f** up in mine! i love god but im not going with him i despise myself eyond words i just want to drop dead and never av to show y retarded face again!